So since my blog is mine, and is kind of like a journal, and I am of the firm opinion that talking about things is good and something we don't do enough of; I am going to do some more sharing. All of this will be pretty personal. Some of it might be more information than you were looking for when you clicked over here.
Don't worry, no one makes you read my blog so it's okay with me if you go somewhere else on the interwebs.
My intent here is two-fold.
One is that talking helps me feel better and lets be honest, humans are selfish by nature. It's my blog so it's my choice to make this post all about me.
The second is that I really hope that I can help someone who is going through some of the same issues I am facing.
So here goes...
On miscarriage
I've had a few. They suck. One of the most offensive things said to me during the years I spent enduring fertility treatments was that "trying to have a baby is the best part". Obviously this statement was made by someone not familiar with fertility charting, constant doctor's appointments, medications, and humiliating (and sometimes painful) treatments.
Another was "at least you know you can get pregnant". Yes, that is comforting every time my body kills my baby.
I know I am one of the lucky ones. I am so grateful that my body managed to hold on to Celeborn long enough to get him here. Many women who struggle with miscarriage are never able to carry a baby to full term. I remind myself that when I am sad.
The hard part about multiple miscarriages is that images and memories from ALL of the miscarriages are haunting me, not just this most recent one. This last few months I have relived many painful moments.
I started crying a little when they wheeled me to surgery for the D&C but the rest of the day I just wanted to go home and sleep in my own bed. When I woke up the next morning I started sobbing and couldn't stop. All of a sudden it was so real. It was over.
I wasn't pregnant any more.
I would be 19 1/2 weeks right now.
On health coverage
No debating from me (today). All I'm going to say is that it sucks when you don't have any and can't get it because no one will sell you a plan. Pre-existing conditions suck. If you don't believe me, just try getting an insurance policy when you have previous medical problems! No really, pretend your employer isn't generous enough to offer benefits and make some phone calls...
Because I got pregnant I qualified for Medicaid to cover the pregnancy and anything associated with it. Good thing too because it would suck to be slapped in the face with a bill for your D&C because your baby died. Since I am covered on Medicaid until the end of this month (to be sure I get post-partum care regardless of the length of the pregnancy), I decided to have a much needed procedure done.
On having a colonoscopy
I am not old enough to make it into the category of needing this but my surgeon insisted on it (we'll get to that).
The procedure isn't that bad. No pain and back to normal by the evening. In fact, we found out that Propofol (the sleepy drug they give you) makes me really giggly. Scott thought it was funny.
The prep is a nightmare. Plan on spending a day in the bathroom looking for your intestines in the toilet.
On having a hemorrhoidectomy
This is why my surgeon requested a colonoscopy.
Yes my friends, this is the surgery I chose to have 5 days before the semester started. Today I don't regret it. 2 weeks ago however... let's just say it was REALLY painful.
If you ever have the misfortune of needing some repair work done down there, let me know. There are some things I wish I had known before I had the surgery. Also, you may need someone to talk to who can tell you it will get better.
On friendship
I have some amazing friends. There are people in my life who I love as if they were family (if not more). Our lives are FULL of pain and sorrow. Each day we have many chances to lift someone around us and share light and love with others. I am so grateful for the people around me who share their light and love with me.
"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance."
Galatians 5:22-23
Don't worry, no one makes you read my blog so it's okay with me if you go somewhere else on the interwebs.
My intent here is two-fold.
One is that talking helps me feel better and lets be honest, humans are selfish by nature. It's my blog so it's my choice to make this post all about me.
The second is that I really hope that I can help someone who is going through some of the same issues I am facing.
So here goes...
On miscarriage
I've had a few. They suck. One of the most offensive things said to me during the years I spent enduring fertility treatments was that "trying to have a baby is the best part". Obviously this statement was made by someone not familiar with fertility charting, constant doctor's appointments, medications, and humiliating (and sometimes painful) treatments.
Another was "at least you know you can get pregnant". Yes, that is comforting every time my body kills my baby.
I know I am one of the lucky ones. I am so grateful that my body managed to hold on to Celeborn long enough to get him here. Many women who struggle with miscarriage are never able to carry a baby to full term. I remind myself that when I am sad.
The hard part about multiple miscarriages is that images and memories from ALL of the miscarriages are haunting me, not just this most recent one. This last few months I have relived many painful moments.
I started crying a little when they wheeled me to surgery for the D&C but the rest of the day I just wanted to go home and sleep in my own bed. When I woke up the next morning I started sobbing and couldn't stop. All of a sudden it was so real. It was over.
I wasn't pregnant any more.
I would be 19 1/2 weeks right now.
On health coverage
No debating from me (today). All I'm going to say is that it sucks when you don't have any and can't get it because no one will sell you a plan. Pre-existing conditions suck. If you don't believe me, just try getting an insurance policy when you have previous medical problems! No really, pretend your employer isn't generous enough to offer benefits and make some phone calls...
Because I got pregnant I qualified for Medicaid to cover the pregnancy and anything associated with it. Good thing too because it would suck to be slapped in the face with a bill for your D&C because your baby died. Since I am covered on Medicaid until the end of this month (to be sure I get post-partum care regardless of the length of the pregnancy), I decided to have a much needed procedure done.
On having a colonoscopy
I am not old enough to make it into the category of needing this but my surgeon insisted on it (we'll get to that).
The procedure isn't that bad. No pain and back to normal by the evening. In fact, we found out that Propofol (the sleepy drug they give you) makes me really giggly. Scott thought it was funny.
The prep is a nightmare. Plan on spending a day in the bathroom looking for your intestines in the toilet.
On having a hemorrhoidectomy
This is why my surgeon requested a colonoscopy.
Yes my friends, this is the surgery I chose to have 5 days before the semester started. Today I don't regret it. 2 weeks ago however... let's just say it was REALLY painful.
If you ever have the misfortune of needing some repair work done down there, let me know. There are some things I wish I had known before I had the surgery. Also, you may need someone to talk to who can tell you it will get better.
On friendship
I have some amazing friends. There are people in my life who I love as if they were family (if not more). Our lives are FULL of pain and sorrow. Each day we have many chances to lift someone around us and share light and love with others. I am so grateful for the people around me who share their light and love with me.
"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance."
Galatians 5:22-23
Posts
13 comments:
We love you Alta!! And Scott too
Thanks.
Love ya! :)
Alta, I knew there was a reason we met in our teenage years. Your thoughts reminds me that I too am grateful for the people around me who share their light and love with me!
Alta -
I am totally a lurker here, so I hope my occasional comments are OK...
My wife had a miscarriage in 2004. It very nearly killed her. Literally. And it very nearly killed me, emotionally and psychologically. Every day is a gift, and every child a miracle.... I am grateful my wife is still with me. But the very thought of having another child/miscarriage is scary - too scary to contemplate. So we have two beautiful children and we're grateful for that. The child who was not born would have been the same age as my sister Lindsey's little girl Bailey, and I can't help but feel a little jealous... Lindsey's fantastic and a great mother - I don't begrudge her her children. But I would have liked to have more children than I have. Perhaps in the eternities some of these inequities will make sense. All I know now is that it hurts a lot. Still.
You rock. I hope you don't mind my $0.02.
PEACE
billy
Alta,
I know I tell you how much I love you probaby way too much, but I do. Sometimes I think I should start compiling "helpful comments" and make a book out of them!
I can't believe you blogged about all that - you gots some cajones girl. I salute you.
P.S. I teared up a little at that last part.
Alta that was so perfect and what we all needed to hear. You are a strong woman! I hear ya with pre existing conditions. Casey should have lied when we first got married and never put on our application that I had scoliosis because we will forever be denied for health insurance! All because of being honest. grrrr
I'm so glad you have some amazing people surrounding you and lifting up during those hard times.
i enjoyed this one alta, when you said "my body kills my baby" well it has taken me 3 days to think on it. i can't say i understand, it will be okay, put your shoulder to the wheel, blah blah blah. i won't even say i pray for you!! :) (only because my praying is limited therefore usually loaded when i finally decide too) but i loved it. i love your honesty. we need to be more honest. we need to be more human. we need to find our empathy again and to do that we need to share more.
then i read about your hemmroidectomy and laughed out loud. long live the roids!!!!!!!
Amen to what has already been said. Silence is the enemy--honesty, a true friend.
Love you,
Heidi
You are awesome!!!! And I love you!!!!
Hi Alta! How are you? I totally stalk A Few Tacos Shy. You are such an open person--it is awesome! Thanks for being so honest.
Hey! I remember back in the day when your boys would fiddle with these (bear with me) clear plastic pouches that were filled with pasta and teeny toys and they would shake the pouches around searching for the toys. Was that you who had those thingamabobbers? I sure do hope so. Did you make them yourself? Please let me know.
love linda -- email me at bigpondjunkie@gmail.com
Thanks for sharing your insights. I would like to tell you that I love you if I could!!
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