My Grandpa

How do you write about someone you love?  How do you sum up an entire life with just a few characters on a page?

When someone you love is passing from this life to the next, you feel like the whole world should stop for a moment and recognize this person and how this place is different because he won't be in it.

My grandpa is dying.

He is such a good man.  So loving.  So strong.

He has big, rough hands from years of hard, physical work but they are always warm and kind.

I know that he loves me and that he knows that I love him.

Several years ago some things happened in my mom's family that were very difficult.  In an effort to protect her husband, children, and herself, my mom chose to not have contact with her parents and several of her siblings. This has been very difficult for some to understand, but also difficult for those of us who stayed away.

I miss my grandpa.  I have for a long time.

A long time ago, when I was 7, my dad came to Utah to go to an inpatient drug rehabilitation center.  My mom brought herself and us 4 kids to Utah to be closer to my dad and to start a new life when he could come home.  We lived with my grandparents for about 6 weeks until we could find an apartment to rent.  I remember my grandpa waking up with us and making breakfast every morning.  Oatmeal or boiled wheat with honey and stacks of buttered toast.  I'm pretty sure that the reason we ate boiled wheat was because it was the only thing in the house to eat but grandpa made it feel like a treat.  I haven't eaten it in years but I love it because of him.

I am so grateful to my grandparents who allowed their life to be turned upside-down by letting my mom and her 4 small children come stay with them.  It wasn't easy for anyone but we needed a safe and loving place during a time of upheaval and they gave it to us.

Grandpa believes in love and kindness and simply can't understand some of the ugly things that go on in this world.  He is a good and faithful man.  He loves my grandma with all of his heart and has stood by her side through thick and thin.

For a while I felt like my grandpa had let me down.  He had to walk away from my mom at a time when she was most hurt.  But I understand now.  He stayed with the people who needed him most.  He let my mom go but I think he knew she was loved and would be strong enough to stand without him.

I love him so much.

Grandpa had a stroke on Saturday and is not long for this world.  It is just a matter of time.  I can only hope for him that his passage to the next existence will be as short as possible.

I can't go visit him and I hope that anyone who feels that this is wrong can understand.  I need my grandpa to stay well and happy in my memory.  I feel really peaceful about my decision.  I truly believe that there is an existence after our life ends here on earth and I know I will see my grandpa again.

Grandpa, Leah, and Alta about 1980